Charles: ...he was a bit anxious, actually.
Camilla: Was he?
Charles: He thought he might have gone a bit far.
Camilla: Ah well.
Charles: Anyway you know, that’s the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one’s way along with, if you know what I mean.
Camilla: Mm. You’re awfully good at feeling your way along.
Charles: Oh stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out...
Camilla: Oh
Charles: ...Particularly in and out.
Camilla: Oh, that’s just what I need at the moment.
Charles: Is it?
Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can’t bear Sunday night without you.
Charles: Oh God.
Camilla: It’s like that program Start The Week. I can’t start the week without you.
Charles: I fill up your tank!
Camilla: Yes you do!
Charles: Then you can cope.
Camilla: Then I’m all right.
Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
Camilla: Mmm. So do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
Charles: Oh, God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
Camilla: (laughs) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? (both laugh). Oh, you’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.
Charles: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (laughs)
Camilla: You are a complete idiot! (laughs) Oh what a wonderful idea.
Charles: My luck to be chucked down a lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down!
Camilla: (laughing) Oh darling!
Charles: Until the next one comes through.
Camilla: Oh perhaps you could just come back as a box.
Charles: What sort of box?
Camilla: A box of Tampax so you could just keep going.
Charles: That’s true.
Camilla: Repeating yourself. (laughing) Oh, darling. Oh I just want you now.
Charles: Do you?
Camilla: Mmm..
Charles: So do I.
Camilla: Desperately, desperately, desperately. Oh, I thought of you so much at Yaraby
Charles: Did you?
Camilla: Simply mean we couldn’t be there together.
Charles: Desperate. If you could be here - I long to ask Nancy sometimes.
Camilla: Why don’t you?
Charles: I daren’t.
Camilla: Because I think she’s so in love with you.
Charles: Mmm.
Camilla: She’d do anything if you asked.
Charles: She’d tell all sorts of people.
Camilla: No she wouldn’t, because she’d be much too frightened of what you might say to her. I think you’ve got, I know its a terrible thing to say, but I think, you know, those sort of people do feel very strongly about you. You’ve got such a great hold over her.
Charles: Really?
Camilla: And you’re... as usual you’re underestimating yourself.
Charles: But she might be terribly jealous or something.
Camilla: Oh! (laughs) Now that is a point! I wonder, she might be I suppose.
Charles: You never know, do you.
Camilla: No, the little green monster might be lurking inside her. No, but I mean, the thing is you’re so good when people are so flattered to be taken into your confidence, but I don’t know they’d betray you. You know, real friends.
Charles: Really?
Camilla: I don’t. (pause) Gone to sleep?
Charles: No, I’m here.
Camilla: Darling listen, I talked to David tonight again. It might not be any good.
Charles: Oh No!
Camilla: I’ll tell you why. He’s got these children and one of those Crawley girls and their nanny staying. He’s going, I’m going to ring him again tomorrow. He’s going to try to put them off till Friday. But I thought as an alternative perhaps I might ring up Charlie.
Charles: Yes.
Camilla: And see if we could do it there. I know he’s back on Thursday.
Charles: It’s quite a lot further away.
Camilla: Oh. is it?
Charles: Well, I’m just trying to think. Coming from Newmarket.
Camilla: Coming to me from Newmarket at that time of night you could probably do it in two-and-three-quarters. It takes me three.
Charles: What, to go to um, Bowood?
Camilla: Northmore.
Charles: To go to Bowood?
Camilla: To go to Bowood would be the same as me really, wouldn’t it.
Charles: I mean to say, you would suggest going to Bowood, uh?
Camilla: No, not at all.
Charles: Which Charlie then?
Camilla: What Charlie did you think I was talking about?
Charles: I didn’t know, because I thought you meant....
Camilla: I’ve got lots......
Charles: Somebody else.
Camilla: I’ve got lots of friends called Charlie
Charles: The other one. Patty’s.
Camilla: Oh! Oh there! Oh that is further away. They’re not...
Charles: They’ve gone...
Camilla: I don’t know, it’s just, you know, just a thought I had, if it fell through, the other place.
Charles: Oh right, What do you do, go on the M25 and the the M4 is it?
Camilla: Yes, you go sort of Royston or M11 at that time of night.
Charles: Yes, well that will be just after, it will be after shooting, anyway.
Camilla: So it would be, um, you'd miss the worst of the traffic. Because I'll, er, you see the problem is I've got to be in London tomorrow night.
Charles: Yes.
Camilla: And Tuesday night A's coming home.
Charles: No...
Camilla: Would you believe it? Because, I don't know what he is doing, he's shooting down here or something. But darling, you wouldn't be able to ring me anyway, would you?
Charles: I might just. I mean, tomorrow night I could have done.
Camilla: Oh darling, I can't bear it. How could you have done tomorrow night?
Charles: Because I'll be (yawns) working on the next speech..
Camilla: Oh no, what's the next one?
Charles: A Business in the Community one, rebuilding communities.
Camilla: Oh no, when's that for?
Charles: A rather important one for Wednesday.
Camilla: Well at least I'll be behind you.
Charles: I know.
Camilla: Can I have a copy of the one you've just done?
Charles: Yes.
Camilla: Can I? Um, I would like it.
Charles: OK, I'll try and organise it...
Camilla: Darling...
Charles: But I, oh God, when am I going tospeaktoyou?
Camilla: I can't bear it. Um....
Charles: Wednesday night?
Camilla: Oh, certainly Wednesday night. I'll be alone, um, Wednesday, you know, the evening. Or Tuesday., While you’re rushing around doing things I'll be, you know, alone until it reappears. And early Wednesday morning, I mean, he'll be leaving at half-past eight, quarter-past eight. He won't be here Thursday, pray God. Um, that ambulance strike, it's a terrible thing to say this, I suppose it won't have come to an end by Thursday.
Charles: It will have done?
Camilla: Well, I mean, I hope for everybody's sake it will have done, but I hope for our sakes it's still going on.
Charles: Why?
Camilla: Well, because if it stops he'll Come down here on Thursday night.
Charles: Oh no.
Camilla: Yes, but I don't think it will stop, do you?
Charles: No, neither do I. Just our luck.
Camilla: It just would be our luck. I know.
Charles: Then it's bound to.
Camilla: No it won't. You mustn't think like that. You must think positive.
Charles: I'm not very good at that.
Camilla: Well I am going to. Because if I don't, I'd despair. (pause) Hm - gone to sleep?
Charles: No. How maddening.
Camilla: I know. Anyway, I mean, he's doing his best to change it, David, but I Just thought, you know, I might just ask Charlie.
Charles: Did he say anything?
Camilla: No, I haven't talked to him.
Charles: You haven’t?
Camilla: Well, I talked to him briefly, but you know, I Just thought I - I just don't know whether he's got any children at home, that's the worry.
Charles: Right.
Camilla: Oh ... darling, I think I'll ...
Charles: Pray, just pray.
Camilla: It would be so wonderful to have just one night to set us on our way, wouldn't it?
Charles: Wouldn't it? To wish you a happy Christmas.
Camilla: (indistinct) happy. Oh, don't let's think about Christmas. I can't bear it. (pause) Going to go to sleep? I think you'd better, don't you? Darling?
Charles: (sleepy) Yes, darling?
Camilla: I think you've exhausted yourself by all that hard work. You must go to sleep now. Darling?
Charles: (sleepy) Yes, darling?
Camilla: Will you ring me when you wake up?
Charles: Yes I will.
Camilla: Before I have these rampaging children around. It's Tom's birthday tomorrow. (pause) You all right?
Charles: Mm. I'm all right.
Camilla: Can I talk to you, I hope, before those rampaging Children ..
Charles: What time do they come in?
Camilla: Well usually Tom never wakes up at all, but as it's his birthday tomorrow he might just stagger out of bed. It won't be before half-past eight. (pause) Night, night, my darling.
Charles: ... Darling...
Camilla: I do love you.
Charles: (sleepily) Before...
Camilla: Before about half-past eight.
Charles: Try and ring?
Camilla: Yeah, if you can. Love you darling.
Charles: Night darling.
Camilla: I love you.
Charles: Love you too. I don't want to say goodbye.
Camilla: Well done for doing that. You're a clever old thing. An awfully good brain lurking there, isn't there? Oh darling. I think you ought to give the brain a rest now. Night night.
Charles: Night darling. God Bless.
Camilla: I do love you and I'm so proud of you.
Charles: Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Camilla: Don't be so silly, I've never achieved anything.
Charles: Yes you have.
Camilla: No I haven't.
Charles: Your great achievement is to love me.
Camilla: Oh, darling. Easier than falling off a chair.
Charles: You suffer all these indignities and tortures and calumnies
Camilla: Oh, darling, don't be so silly. I'd suffer anything for you. That's love. It's the strength of love. Night night.
Charles: Night, darling. Sounds as though you're dragging an enormous piece of string behind you, with hundreds of tin pots and cans attached to it. I think it must be your telephone. Night night, before the battery goes. (blows kiss) Night.
Camilla: Love you.
Charles: Don't want to say good-bye.
Camilla: Neither do I, but you must get some sleep. Bye.
Charles: Bye, darling.
Camilla: Love you.
Charles: Bye.
Camilla: Hopefully talk to you in the morning.
Charles: Please.
Camilla: Bye. I do love you.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Night.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Love you for ever.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: G'bye. Bye my darling.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Night night.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Bye bye.
Charles: Going.
Camilla: Bye.
Charles: Going.
Camilla: Gone.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Bye. Press the button.
Charles: Going to press the tit.
Camilla: All right darling, I wish you were pressing mine.
Charles: God, I wish I was. Harder and harder.
Camilla: Oh darling.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Night.
Charles: Love you.
Camilla: (yawning) Love you. Press the tit.
Charles: Adore you. Night.
Camilla: Night.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: (blows a kiss).
Charles: Night.
Camilla: G'night my darling. Love you...
(Charles hangs up)